Christian's been bilateral for almost a year. The series of mapping appointments we've had over the past several months have shown that both his right and his left ears are in the 15-20 db range. His right ear speech perception scores are unbelievably amazing in the high 90th percentile. However, even though the audiogram shows his left ear is comparable to the right ear, his speech perception in that ear is in the low 40th percentile. For all the non-CI Mommas and friends reading that, it basically means audiologically he is on track but when we actually evaluate what he IS hearing with just that left ear, we have A LOT of work to do.
I was thinking about all this during my spin class today. I was trying to clear my mind, focus on my workout but I just couldn't stop thinking about my Christian. My sweet kid is a hard worker, and out of my two children, he is my pleaser. There's no questioning with Christian. He just DOES. The rehabilitation of his left ear has had it's frustrating moments, and he just carries on. He's patient. He's constant. He keeps hanging on. And quite honestly, he has no idea what's going on when it comes to the left ear. He just knows that he likes having 2 CIs better than 1, BUT he likes the "old ear better than the new ear".
I started having one of those bi-monthly pity parties that somehow still creep up half-way through the class and got a bit teary eyed. I found myself asking God why? I was asking God in the middle of a spin class to give me the courage and grace to make the right choices because I was doubting them. I found myself getting overwhelmed and I'm pretty sure today was the first time I ever said a Hail Mary with cycling shoes on.
I've had a hard couple of weeks, and this is just the icing on the cake and I'm trying really hard to keep this in perspective. I knew that this wasn't going to be easy, and to many my journey IS a piece of cake. We're just going to buckle down, keep isolating that left ear, work a bit harder, and try not to breakdown during my BodyPump class tomorrow.