I've been putting off posting an update about last week's Genetic testing at Children's. I haven't had that much time to really process it. I've been avoiding thinking about it. It wasn't a pleasant experience (although what part of this whole journey has been?), and it was definitely the hardest thing for me to deal with since the actual diagnosis. I mean, OF COURSE I want to hopefully find the root of Christian's loss since it is such a mystery to our family. OF COURSE I want to try to identify any other syndromes present (hopefully we can rule them all out). OF COURSE I want Christian to know about his loss for his future family. But, do I really want to know if I passed a gene onto my child that would make his life A LOT different and harder than mine? Do I really want to find out that my other children will be or most likely be or have a 25% chance of being deaf? I don't think I can deal with that yet.
I know it's completely normal to have all these guilty feelings. "They" say it's part of the grieving process. "They" say not to worry about these feelings, that it's completely natural. "They" even say that these feelings may never go away. "They" also say that sometimes there is a reason for everything and this is all part of God's plan. I'm not sure I believe everything "They" say....I can't imagine feeling this way forever.
Some folks have asked us about this test and our plans for more Children. Chuck and I want more children. Period. Regardless of these results, I hope that we will be as lucky as we were with having Christian. A friend of mine who is expecting her first baby asked me how hard it was parenting a deaf child, and how it must be such a stretch....in all honesty, I can't imagine it any other way. And other than having a slightly collicky baby in the beginning, Christian is an easy baby. He has the most loving, silly, and sweet personality. So, the possibility of us having more deaf children isn't a concern.
It all goes back to the "Did I CAUSE THIS?" question. I know I'm going to need more time to deal with these feelings. The bottom line is that no parent wants their kid's life to be difficult. Every parent wants their kid to have better than what they had. Our philosophy is that hearing or not hearing, we will do whatever it takes for Christian to have anything and everything that we ever had and more.