Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Sometimes, I just want to be his Mommy...

I'm having a hard day today...

"Christian do you see Santa? (note to self, look-up Santa ASL sign on visual dictionary)"

"Peek-a-boo, Buddy, I see you...do you hear Mommy?(note to self, hunch down further and use a mirror to see if he is localizing sound)"

"Christian, where's the duck? Do you hear that duck? Come on buddy, where's the duck? (note to self, get some toys that actually are loud enough for a hearing kid to hear).

"Oh, gee, thanks for asking what he wants for Christmas...I've posted a link on my blog for Toys for Differently Abled Kids. Can you check that out?"

I know that we're making amazing progress with Christian's hearing. He is doing great with the aids, we're signing to him non-stop (thanks to Miss Pam and the EI team in MOCO), and he is starting to respond to some environmental sounds. We're working very hard to help him. And, sometimes, all I want to do is just roll around on the floor with him and JUST BE HIS MOMMY. Not his teacher. Not his therapist. JUST HIS MOMMY. I would give anything to have 5 minutes during the day where I wasn't worried about his absorption of languag and learning the signs. I would give anything to have a day where I didn't correct my husband for doing something wrong ("No Chuck, that's not the sign...THIS is...No, Chuck, say UP, UP, UP...keep it slow and simple...No, Chuck, stop clapping USE YOUR VOICE WITH HIM...No, Chuck, speak louder...No, Chuck, speak softer...No, Chuck...No..."). I would give anything to spare Christian from the ultrasounds, sedated testing, opthamology screens, genetic testing, blood draws, CT Scans....all the medical tests that he has had to go through.

Days like today, remind me that this is a journey, and the hardest part of this journey is the beginning. I know it will get easier. Sometimes, I just wish that we could sing and play together, without me turning it into a therapy session.


jodi said...

Breathe in, breathe out. Every day will be like this, highs and lows, but knowing you (kind of), you will focus on the highs...that's what moms do. You will get used to being his teacher and all of the moments you have together will help to create a stronger than average mother/child bond, trust me. It will take time, but you will find your mommy role will be a combination of the two...it will become natural. And the husbands will not "get it" like the moms do, but they will be an integral part in helping you remain sane...if they do their job. If you are a stay at home mom, only you will understand what your son is trying to say, you will develop a sort of esp that your husband won't grasp, in the beginning. But if you try to make your husband feel a part of it without getting too frustrated, he will slowly begin to understand...never completely, but just enough to maintain the equilibrium in the house that is so needed for a child with a disability. Ups and downs, ups and downs...remember to focus on the ups, because from what I have been reading, there are a lot of them for that adorable boy...big hug, use your blog, it will help you blow off steam,Jodi

Mom to Toes said...

I love this post.

And I can totally relate!

Sometimes, though, you really do need to take some time to "just be his mommy". You will both benefit from a little downtime.

I know that is easier said than done, though.

Loudest Mom on the Block said...

I've been there as well (more so w/ my oldest, than now). I think there will be time to be both. - Mom and teacher. What I find funny now, is that some of what I did w/ Delaney, my oldest, is just so ingrained in me, that I do it without thinking w/ our youngest- it just feels 'normal' now. Of course, that means I get funny looks from people every once in awhile, when I'm constantly talking to Trey, and we're 'parroting' , but oh well :) I can live w/ that!

Hang in there, and just know that there will always be good days, and bad days, but the good days WILL out number the bad ones :)

leahlefler said...

We haven't even started EI therapy yet, but I already feel like more of a nurse/teacher to Nolan some days than a mommy. I know it will calm down over time, but it can be so overwhelming some days. And he's only in the moderate range! "We Will Rock You" might be an unusual lullaby, but it is the only song that really gets his attention (i.e. that he hears well) with the whole hand-clapping beat. I was watching "The Baby Human" on Discovery Health the other day and they showed a 3 month old turning to sound. Nolan doesn't turn to sound AT ALL- it kind of makes me sad that there are already some differences. And it makes me even more antsy to get his hearing aids! I don't wait well, lol.