I've been wanting to write my thoughts on this for awhile now, but I've been putting it off, as it's such an emotional subject for me. However, Jodi, who just happens to be one of my Mommy-gurus, posted something on her blog today that gave me the guts to finally write it out.
I feel like I've come a long way when it comes to Christian's hearing loss and how I cope with it. There were days not too long ago that during his naps I would just sit in my bedroom and sob. I would worry about his schooling, socialization, how he would communicate, and how his life would be. I'm over that phase now. Sure, I still worry. But, I don't cry. I just get motivated to help him even more.
However, there is one thing still makes me cry. It's the goosebumps I get from listening to Boyd Tinsley's violin on the live track of Lie in our Graves by Dave Matthews Band. It's the smile that suddenly appears on my face when I listen to D'yer Maker by Led Zeppelin. It's the tears that well in my eyes when I hear anything by Edith Piaf. It's the PURE JOY I feel listening to O.A.R. It's the romance in my heart that boils over when I hear Frank Sinatra. It's the motivation I feel listening to Dylan. It's the uncontrollable urge to belt out the lyrics and pump my fists when I hear Journey.
It's Music.
I simply cannot fathom living my life without music. It makes me sick to my stomach to think that there is a very real possibility that my son won't ever know the beauty of Simon and Garfunkel. Or the energy of Dave Matthews. Or the absolute perfection that is The Beatles.
Regardless if he can hear it or not now, music is constantly in my our lives with Christian. We've swayed to Jack Johnson with him since he was 1 week old. He takes music classes at Imagination Stage, and not a day goes by where we don't practice singing some song. I know at times it's more for me.
When I hear stories of kids who are Deaf and have CI's that are playing musical instruments, listening to iPods and SINGING in their choirs, I am amazed. I can't help but WANT that for my kid too.
Just last night, our ASL instructor who received his CI 6 years ago at the age of 50,was describing how he now can listen to music and goes to plays at The Kennedy Center. He said he knew he wasn't hearing everything perfectly, however he could understand the music and he just loves it. WOW.
I had to get up from the class to pretend to use the ladies room so I could go cry in the hall.
Our Family's Cochlear Implant Journey
8 comments:
Christina,
I believe strongly that the fact that Jordan was a very good hearing aids user made him an even better ci candidate and greatly affected his ability to hear music with a ci. So, breathe, keep doing everything you are doing, singing, signing, dancing, playing, over-speaking and he will be just fine. I promise you that he will hear music, I am so positive, really. And there will come that day when you have to tell him to shut up because he is driving you crazy by talking so much. Believe that. love, Jodi
Reading this post just makes me think that your pursuit of any and all options for Christian are worth it - despite the politics and opinions from others that are sometimes involved. Something else occurred to me though, when thinking about the feelings you get when listening to the music you love, and surrounding Christian with it: When someone has a disability, especially one that affects one of his senses, the other senses develop more fully to compensate for the one that isn't quite right. Although Christian might not "hear" the music the way that you or I can right now (and who's not to say that one day he will...), I would bet money on the fact that he FEELS it (even in his bones through the vibrations and rhythm), and SEES the joy and enthusiasm you have while dancing around like a maniac. Maybe he's lucky in that way - as he is in a unique position to "hear" the music in a different way than you and I would ever be capable of with our regular old senses. Anyways, just a thought...
Jodi-I know you are so right....I can't wait for that day when I can say "Hold on buddy, let Mommy say something".
Thank you for always bringing positive energy over here!
Jenny,
You hit the nail on the head-I know he enjoys music right now....maybe it's not like how I do right now. I love seeing him clap and do the sign for dance when we listen to Laurie Berkner. What is going to be fun is when he can make fun of his crazy Mommmy for doing the "Mommy's got a pig on her head" dance.
I cherish your perspective on things...
What a heartfelt post - you give me some idea of what my parents must have thought about 30-odd years ago.
However, I can say, that I love music, and while I may not hear the fine nuances that you do, I certainly appreciate it.
In fact, in a few days I am seeing La Boheme at the Sydney Opera House and the best bit? It has subtitles!! Not for deaf people you understand, but for those that don't understand Italian!!
Ok, so I may not buy as many CD as my brothers have, or have an ipod, but that is usually because I like to know what the words of the lyrics are before I listen to them and so can't be bothered to make that effort! Yet I love musicals - Brigadoon, Chicago, Sound of Music, Moulin Rouge.
Take heart - he will find his own way!
Being hard of hearing, I can definately say that Christian is lucky to have a mother like you. I can definately assure you, your son will grow up to love and adore music just as much as you do. I know I certainly did. Even today I try to listen to a wide variety of music. I may not understand the words a lot of the time but there's something about a good beat and rhythm. You just can't seem to resist it.
Don't worry to much about the future, focus on now. Cherish the present. The future will always remain unknown and there is really no point in worrying about it.
Christina-
When Delaney was teeny (oh, six months old or so), we used to put a small radio in her room, and let her listen to Kenny Loggins "Pooh Corner" as she drifted off to sleep. At least that's what we thought we were doing. That's the first thing I thought of when I found out at age 2 (almost 3) that she had moderate to profound hearing loss. All those nights we lovingly played her music, she probably didn't even here it. That's what got me (brought tears the first time). As it turns out she has TWO iPods and is quite passionate about her music (much to my dismay sometimes- Fergie and all). She even knows how to best place her headphones so she can hear the music spectacularly :)
She loves to sing, dance, and listen to almost any music (as do her younger sister, and brothers).
Keep up the great job!
I wrote you a comment the other day, and then blogger acted up and erased everything!
You write so eloquently about your passion for music. And I know that Christian is going to develop this same passion because he sees in you that deep love for it. I think Christian is going to amaze you with the things he can hear...both through his ears and his heart.
Drew has started to show that he hears a difference in speech vs. music. He has this cute little dance he does whenever he hears music - on the TV even. I never thought it would be possible, but these little guys are amazing.
I hope things are going well in your CI process. Please let us know if we can be of help to you all.
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