All Knowing.

I'm DESPERATELY trying to get our family back into the church routine.  Us Catholics are known for not having very family friendly services, and for a while having two children under 4 was wearing me out. I couldn't get ANYTHING out of the readings, would stumble over the responsorial psalms, and our priest's homilies were heard through the muffled closed doors in the vestibule while one child was in my arms and the other was in the Usher's Room bathroom playing in the sink. Church was totally stressing me out.

I woke up today and figured that if Christian was old enough to memorize all the names of the characters from Clone Wars, he was old enough to memorize the Our Father and get his cute little butt to Church.  I proudly raise the kids in a Catholic home (ok, a Catholic-Light home that praises tolerance and equality for all...and that's a whole other conversation), but I do believe that Mass needs to be a part of our life. So, I packed up Christian and went on a Church Date with my 4 year old boy.  Our parish does have a children's program during our 9:30am Mass, but the kids have to be in Kindergarten to participate. I decided to sneak little dude in today. They drew pictures of what God looks like to them. Christian drew a stick figure with a HUGE head. I'm guessing it's his interpretation of God being ALL KNOWING or something. Who knows.

I stayed in the room to keep an eye on him. I watched him be such a good and sweet boy. Listening, sitting criss-cross-applesauce, and acting respectful. I also watched a little boy, who probably was in Kindergarten, crawl over to him on the carpet and stare at his Cochlear Implant. He got SUPER close to Christian, almost to where his nose was touching Christian's head. Then the little boy backed up, and looked at Christian and said "What's Your Name?. Christian, who was certainly annoyed,  turned and said "Shh....we're in Church. I'm Christian".  I didn't know if I wanted to swoop up and hold my little boy and protect him from what could be a hurtful situation, or if I wanted to run over and give him a high-five for being such a smart and big boy. Instead, I just sat and watched Christian handle the situation himself, and said a prayer of thanksgiving that my Christian has been blessed with SUCH resilience.

Snowpacalypse 2011

Ok. Enough already.

I am officially over winter. I think it wouldn't be so bad if I actually lived where winters were worthwhile. Here in the Northeast, it's horrible. Especially in the DC area where 3 inches of slush can cancel schools for 3 days. We just can't handle it here. And when things get bad here...they get BAD.

I must've been living in my own birthday-mania induced bubble last week as I was completely taken surprise by Snowpacalypse 2011 that took our power out for 3 days. We were out at our friend's house when thundersnow and lightening hit our town's power substation. It looked like something from Lost---the sky turned green and huge explosion sounded. The only thing we could do was light candles and poor more wine.

Schools were cancelled and our house was FREEZING. By Day 2 the kids were over sledding and just wanted to watch a show in the playroom. Try explaining to a 2 year old the concept of electricity and how it makes a TV work. Yeah, not too pretty. We even emptied our fridge and made mini-coolers in the snow banks.

Worst of all, Lily's 2nd birthday was in the middle of all this. While we did get power back on that day, it wasn't nearly enough time for me to whip up some of my signature cupcakes or even get a little family party together. Luckily, our best friends came to the rescue and we pulled together something for my sweet girl complete with ice cream cake, turkey burgers for the adults and pasta for the kids.

Times like these always remind me to get our CI emergency pack together. We use rechargable batteries on Christian's CI, and always seem to fumble around looking for the disposable batteries in the dark when we need them. I've already put a little plastic container together near our flashlights that has all of our emergency grab and go CI stuff so next time (PLEASE, I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE!) we are ready.

Ask the Magic 8 Ball: Is It His Age or His Hearing Loss?

We play this game at least once a week. He's my first kid, so all the developmental stuff that the been-there/done that Mama's handle aren't necessarily second-nature to me yet. I usually defer to one of my best friends who has 4 kids and seriously has seen it ALL. She usually commiserates with me, wine glass in hand, reassuring me that it IS completely normal for an almost 4 year old to throw himself on the ground when I deny him an episode of Yo Gabba Gabba, and it's NOT because he can't hear me say so.

Then there are the times when I don't think it's an "age" thing. He leaves me guessing, and wondering if maybe he really is frustrated and acting out because he can't hear everything. Is he really asking me "What?" because he REALLY can't hear me, or is it because he's just almost 4 and too busy daydreaming of Spiderman and Batman? Is that little lisp that we sometimes hear just leftover baby stuff, or is it because he's a deaf kid? I just don't know. The thing about Christian is that while he is profoundly deaf, we rarely can place blame on his hearing loss affecting ANYTHING in his life. Most days his actual hearing loss is a non-issue (AND HOW AMAZING IS THAT?!). He has no language delays, he's doing great in school, and socially he is my superstar.

Once he starts school in 2.5 weeks, we'll get another audiogram done and have all his equipment double checked. I don't think we are having any issues, but it is one more thing that I can cross of my list. The testing will give me a window into where he is, although I'm pretty sure not much has changed. Then I can really just chalk all of this up to him being my sweet, sassy, silly and absolutely crazy TYPICAL almost 4 year old.

The End is Near

I'm sitting here catching up on work email during what should be NAPS. But, only one kid is napping, and that kid has awfully cute pigtails. Yikes. It looks like that my 3.5 year old little man is dropping his nap. I knew it was only a matter of time, but I was hoping to get through this summer until he heads back to school. At least he's resting on the couch downstairs, but I know come around 5pm tonight he's going to be a bit cranky.

My guy is growing up. It's going way TOO fast.

Camp Nana and Papa

I've been MIA this week, but for good reason! My folks are visiting from Michigan, and Christian and Lily have been at Camp Nana and Papa here in our house all week. We've had a lot of fun, including Christian getting his first Big Boy Bike, going to see Toy Story 3 (Christian's 1st Movie!) Lily Grace over-indulging in pizza, playing in the pool every afternoon, and drinking mass quantities of wine in the evenings (of course, the kids did NOT take part in that activity!).

It's been absolutely wonderful having my parents here--the kids are having a blast with them, and Chuck and I are enjoying our time with them so much! I also haven't done laundry, cleaned my house, or swept the floor once. I mean, how great is that?!

Makes My Heart Happy

Seriously, what is better than this? 

Mommy, Why Don't Some People Have a Cochlear Implant?

That was today's question on our way home from school. I knew one day it was coming, but I was hoping it would happen when I could actually look him in his eyes, rather than fighting traffic on Massachusetts Ave. How do you explain to a 3 year old that he was born deaf thanks to the Connexin 26 gene mutation? How do you tell him that he will always be deaf, that he will always need to wear his CI? I wasn't ready for that in depth of a conversation and to explain the Punnett Square of Gene Mutations. I'm sure that will come later.  So, here's my response in a nutshell, as I wiped the tears from my eyes:

"Oh, buddy, did you know that you make Daddy and I so proud? Well, God made you so special. When you were in my belly (Christian: I was IN YOUR BELLY? DID YOU EAT ME? EWWW!), no honey, when you were just a little baby, not even born yet (Christian: That was like when Lily was in your belly and when Tyler's Mommy had Baby Jake in her belly), yes, just like that. Ok, well when you were in my belly and before you were born, God decided to give you a very special gift. He decided that you were going to have your magic ears".

He was pretty quiet at this point, and just as I was getting ready to continue explaining about his special gift from God and how God just made him perfect, he tells me:

"God shined His light down on me with his magic wand. It was magic and then poof and then His light got really bright. There was thunder and lightening and it was loud. Mommy, do you want to go to the playground with Willis and Josie later?"

I just smiled and told him that I couldn't wait to play with him later this afternoon. My sweet angel boy, understanding in his own little way his special gift. It's been a while since I received one my love letters from God. I'm pretty thankful that He knew exactly what I needed to hear today.

Two Years Ago Today

 April 21st marks our 2 year anniversary of Christian's Cochlear Implant surgery We don't celebrate our "surgery" anniversary, rather our activation day, which we proudly and excitedly call Christian's Hearing Birthday. We're a couple of weeks away from that VERY important day in our little man's life, but I couldn't help but just think back and remember that hard and stressful day.  I still remember the emotions of the day like it was yesterday. I remember feeling scared, nervous, full of anxiety, and completely helpless. Two years later, I spent the day reading to his preschool class, attending a panel sponsored by our county of of Deaf and Hard of Hearing teens, playing with my baby daughter, and drinking wine with my girlfriends in the evening. Two years later, he's hearing. He's speaking. And he's amazing.

The Dreaded G-U-N word

Snips and snails and puppy dog tails. That is what I thought I was getting into 3 years ago when I had my precious baby boy. I dreamt of walking hand and hand with him to the corner store getting ice cream, with his hat slightly turned. Scraped knees. Kool-Aid mustaches. Baseball gloves. Worms in pockets. Loving his Momma with a sweet smirk, giggling while running after a soccer ball. Isn't that what boys are about?

I guess I selectively left out a very important part of a little boy's life, and today I'm freaking out about it.

On our way home from school yesterday Christian described what he did at school. This was his response, WORD FOR WORD:

"Russell and I played guns on the playground. We went SHOOT SHOOT and I pointed and shot him with my gun."

Um, don't get me wrong, it's not like I expect him to NOT play war or guns, or whatever they were doing. He IS a boy and it IS engrained in his brain. He already has started making the sticks at the park swords, so I knew it was only a matter of time before the developed in guns. But at 3? Doesn't it start a little later? I figured it wouldn't start until at least 4. Can't he be my sweet little boy who sleeps with a stuffed Tigger and laughs at Sesame Street still? Why is he growing up SO fast? 

I chatted with him, told him that he shouldn't play guns on the playground, and that we never, EVER pretend to shoot someone. He then told me "Ok, but what if they shoot me first. Then I can shoot them, right?"

I think I'm going to lay down my arms and surrender to this battle. I don't think I am going to be able to win.

No Bunny Loves the Easter Bunny.

Grr.

This morning I dressed both the kids in their Easter finest and headed to the mall for a scheduled appointment at the photo studio for their Easter pictures. We were there at 10am on the button, with stuffed bunnies, personalized Easter baskets, and million dollar smiles.

Well, the photo studio informed us that their Easter Bunny wasn't coming. Great. So, we headed down to the center court to see the Mall Easter Bunny and keep our fingers crossed for a good shot. We had to wait around for an hour, and I don't even need to explain how hard it is to "wait around" for a 3 year old and 14 month old. As much as I wanted to bum around Nordstrom's shoe department, I knew that wasn't in the cards with both of them in tow. So, we headed to Build-A-Bear where Christian proceeded to build "Alex" his Fireman Frog.

An hour later, we went back to the Mall Easter bunny. I thought it was in the bag as soon as Lily started laughing and clapping her hands at the 6 foot tall bunny. Christian, however, was not so happy. He hid behind me, and told me "That Bunny is TOOOOOO BIG Mommy! Bunny's aren't that big!". Then he started to cry. Then Lily started to cry. And it all fell apart.

So, there they were. Middle of mall, looking adorable in their Easter outfits, and TOTALLY freaking out. So, we salvaged the rest of the trip and headed up to eat lunch with friends. I guess the only good thing to come out of today was that we had a dry run in Lily's dress and I know what color bows she needs for her pigtails.

Spring Break? More like Spring Nightmare!

I know, I'm technically only 25 minutes into Christian's Spring Break, but I'm already over it. He told his Dad today on his way out the door "I don't like you anymore". What a bunch of bologne. The two of them are best friends, and Christian worships the ground he walks on. It's a deadline day for my job (yes, for those of you who didn't know, I attempt to work 15-20 hours a week from home). I just am in a real foul mood, and wish that we could've jetted off to Key West, the Carribean, or even to Disney World this week. But, parents of kids who are in a fancy private school and have Cochlear Implants usually don't have enough money to scrape together for a latte, let alone a nice family vacation during peak travel times.

I did try to fill our week up with some fun activities. Christian's Gram is taking him to his FIRST CIRCUS this Thursday! He is so excited, and can't wait. We're meeting up with one of Christian's buddies from school (who also isn't going anywhere for break...another CI friend) to head to the zoo. Oh, and my gym's Kids Club--Christian is going to get his first experience there tomorrow. I do plan on spending ALOT of time there this week. How else am I going to get a shower? I know I can always count on my girlfriends in the neighborhood for park dates and basement playdates (and my 3pm coffee and 5pm wine) in case the weather doesn't cooperate.

I'm thankful to be heading to Bible Study in just a bit to clear my head and pray. I certainly could use some patience and positivity this week!

Warming up

The DC area is finally thawing out after one of the worst winters I can remember. I can't even begin to describe how happy I am that we can be back on the playground circuit with our friends and neighbors. I know Christian is happy about finally being able to play outside. He is my playground king, running around telling all his friends what they are going to play next. Sunday, he was playing jungle. On Monday afternoon, it was Pirates (complete with finding sticks to use a swords). And yesterday, he wrangled the big kids into riding bikes with him on our street.

We've been a bit out of practice with all the playground rules, so this past week has been a bit like Spring Training. We had to hold a refresher course on "What to do when your CI falls off on the playground", most notably reminding Christian to not THROW it down to his Mommy or other Mommies, but to rather bring it to his Mommy or another Mommy close. His buddies were reminded that if it does fall off that they need to be gentle with it. I even was off my game, and forgot my park bag the first day. The second day, I brought it, but failed to bring any supplies for Lily. By Day 3, I finally had everything I needed including extra wig-tape for Christian's processor and hearing aid, Boogie Wipes for my kids' disgusting noses, a sweater for Lily, a binkie for Lily, drinks for all 3 of us, enough Goldfish to feed 29 kids, 8 extra juice boxes, extra underwear for Christian, diapers and wipes for Lily, my Blackberry, hand sanitizer, and our water proof CI case.

Valentine's Plans

I always have been one to buy into the Valentine's Day hype. In our past 4 years of married Valentine's Days, Chuck and I have spent 2 of them with a newborn baby in arms. I usually am exhausted from the lack of sleep, and he usually is shoveling snow or de-icing our walkway and cars (we ALWAYS seem to have a snow/ice storm here in DC that weekend). We still managed to have some sort of fun dinner, and he ALWAYS gets me my Dark Chocolate collection from Godiva...he knows the way to my heart! :)

This year, while I hope that Chuck does find a way to get me out of the house on Valentine's Night (HINT HINT) even if we just go grab ice cream together, I'm SO looking forward to the date that Christian and I have together...he actually said this to me last week:

"Mommy, we're going to go to see The Princess and the Frog, just me and you"
Me-"Really?
"Yes, I'm taking you to see the movie. You can get popcorn and chocolate chip cookies for me!"

I have NO idea how he came up with this idea, but I can't wait. He's never been to the movies, and I know we won't be able to stay for the whole duration, but I am so excited that we are going to go. If any CI Mamas have tips on taking our CI kiddos to movies, I'd appreciate it!

Stressed.

*Be forewarned....this post is pretty much ALL complaints!*

You would think coming off of almost a month of vacations that I would be relaxed and ready for our busy fall. Yeah, not so much. There is SO much going on right now in our little family that is just making me hit my breaking point almost daily.

My dear friends have warned me that the terrible two's are just around the corner, and we hit them full on about 2 weeks ago. Christian has been defiant, whiny, cranky, and just flat out nasty to me almost everyday since we got back from vacation. The word "No" is non-stop. He acts out. He's not listening. He's totally regressed in potty-training. He's just a different kid. I do get some glimpses of my sweet boy here and there, but I'm beginning to think that aliens have taken over my baby boy. Seriously. I am just thankful that he's starting school next week. It couldn't come at a better time.

We're starting our "official" transition year with our pubic school system, transferring out of the Infants and Toddlers program and into the school system. Any parent who has gone through this before knows just how intense, stressful, and flat out draining this whole process is. We're looking at alternative placements for Christian (a whole post about this will follow later this week), and our county has a track record for being less than cooperative for folks who march to a different drum. Like us. I've lost a lot of sleep over this, and I know it's just the beginning.

Which brings me to researching and finding the appropriate preschool for Christian next year. We absolutely have hit our limit financially and can't continue to pay for Christian's school after this academic year. We need to find something that's more in the "car payment" range and less in the "home payment" range. While our county DOES have a DHOH program, we're not sure it's the right spot for Christian. I've been researching neighborhood preschools, conducting phone interviews, and making appointments to tour the schools. It's almost harder than applying to college.


I've just about hit my limit with trying to be everything to everyone. I feel so lucky to be able to stay at home with my children, but I also work from home 15-20 hours per week. In addition to all the general "kid" stuff like balancing a toddler and 7 month old, Christian's therapy time and preschool commitments have completely overwhelmed me. Sometimes I wish I could just go into an office and forget about all that so I could be productive at work. I'm not sure how much longer I can handle this. Our family really benefits from my income, and as long as Christian is in his fancy-schmancy school....we need it.

So, like all other Moms this time of year, I'm stressed. I have SO much on my plate not just as Christian and Lily's Mommy, but as Christian's advocate. In addition to my make-up addiction, I needed to find something to help me de-stress, and I have taken up running. Liliana Grace's Godfather is a marathon runner (and holds the title of fastest man in our town) and helped me get my start with some recommendations on training and shoes. So, the past two days I've left before the kids have breakfast and hit the 'hood. With my iPod set to Justin Timberlake, I find myself totally spacing out and forgetting about all the things that stress me out. If nothing else, at least the last 6 pounds of baby weight will come off!

Brother and Sister Love

Lily is now 7 months, sitting up and actually playing with toys. I am having so much fun watching and LISTENING to them play together. Christian really is such a sweet big brother, always watching out for his baby sister. This afternoon while we were all in the playroom, Christian sat right next to Lily and said "Lily, what truck would you like today? How about this Pink one, baby sister?". Lily, who is ALWAYS all smiles, just giggles and flops her little arms up and down in excitement. Even though I often complain of the stressors of trying to be both a SAHM and a Working Mom at the same time, moments like this make me so thankful that I have the opportunity to be with my babies all day long.

Rock City

We've been at "Camp Nana" since last Friday. Chuck flew back home on Tuesday, and will be joining us again next week.

Our days our full of trips to local soft-serve ice cream shops (something that the DC Metro Area is SERIOUSLY lacking), playing in Nana and Papa's backyard, and of course, some trips to Target. We had a fun family BBQ on Sunday, and on Monday, Papa came with us to a sprinkler park. Once the kids are down, I've been able to catch up with some old friends in the evenings, and Aunt Sarah and I even went to the Dave Matthews Band concert on Tuesday. Christian has been having an absolute blast being the center of attention.

In addition to the usual language explosion that Christian always has when he's around my parents, we hit a MAJOR potty training milestone here. While at a little coffee shop, Christian turned to me and said "Mommy, I have to go pee pee. It's going to come, Mommy!". So, I asked him if he wanted to go sit on the potty. Sure enough, he followed me into the bathroom. I lined the top of the toilet with paper, plopped him on the bowl, and watched him go IN A PUBLIC BATHROOM. YEAH CHRISTIAN!

Christian also is now wearing his snazzy brown coil on his CI, which looks really nice with his light brown hair. We chose an all beige system, as he was our little bald man at 14 months when he was implanted. He's really proud of it, and has pointed to the coil several times and said "Mommy, my CI is brown! I'm a handsome boy". I am so happy that he likes it!

Countdown to Nashville

Not much has changed since my last post. I'm still exhausted. I'm still trying to do a zillion things at once. I'm still trying to balance work and life. In fact, if life wasn't crazy enough with two part-time jobs that I do from home, I decided to venture into babybow and binky clip making. More to come on LilyBean Designs in the future :) I still have all the pressures of a typical Mommy, with all the pressures of a "typical" CI Mommy on top of those. The sleep gods are plotting against me. Last night was the first night both kids slept well. I went to bed super-late, only to be awoken at 3:45am by the beeping of what we thought was our carbon monoxide alarm. Yeah, that was great. After we troubleshooted it for an hour, I laid in bed worrying about Christian's safety as a Deaf kid. I made a mental list of all the things we needed to do in our house to make it more safe for him and his hearing loss. And then before I knew it, it was 5:45am.

Chuck reminded me in the wee hours this morning that the much needed break I have been complaining about is coming up at the end of this week when I head to Nashville for the HLAA Convention. While I'll be in meetings and networking most of the day and well into the evening, I get to look forward to uninterrupted sleep, and the possibility of sleeping in until 7:30-8:00 in the morning. I honestly can't remember the last time that happened. I am going to miss my babies terribly (especially since I am still nursing Lily), but having some adult time and some "me" time is exciting to me! I just wish that Chuck could've joined me so he could attend the convention as well.

There are some really cool topics being covered, and I'm particularly interested in the research symposium on hair cell regeneration. I'm checking out the program guide and planning what workshops and panels I want to hit.

One Exhausted Momma

I am just about at the tipping point right now. I've been stretched a bit too far this week, and I really REALLY could use a break right now.

So much is going on in our little family, and I'm having a really hard time juggling it all. I'm having an extremely hard time trying to be both a stay-at-home Mom, AND work 15-20 hours a week. Christian is having a tough time sleep-wise, which is making his behavior just go down the tubes. Which, then leads me to wonder if any of it is hearing related. My house is a mess. I still have 10 pounds of baby weight to drop. And I can't tell you the last time Chuck and I went out on a date. I have these dark circles under my eyes that even Lift Lumierecan't hide. My wardrobe, which used to include all of the newest designers and trends, consists of the same J.Crew shorts (in every color imaginable) and the same J.Crew shirt (in every color imaginable). I'm a mess. No wonder we haven't had a date night in over 3 months. Who wants to be seen out with the beat-down SAHM with puke stains on her favorite fit tee?

I always have prided myself in being a "glass-half-full" type of gal. Even when things get tough, I usually am the one giving the pep talks. I've tried giving myself a pep-talk "Hang in there, Tina...it's the terrible 2's...it will get better. Don't worry, Tina. No one cares if you haven't dusted in a week. It's ok, Tina, you don't have to be a SuperMom everyday". It's not working.

Honestly, the only thing that is keeping me somewhat on the same side of sanity is knowing that in a few short weeks my parents will be here. My Mom will help me clean. My Dad will entertain the kids. And they will let us get away so I can have some much needed time with my husband. It is SO incredibly hard living so far away from them. Now I know why my Mom got so ticked off at me when I planted my roots over 500 miles away from them. She knew it would be this tough. I hope to God Christian and Lily stay in Maryland so when their kids make them go postal, I'll be able to pick up their pieces.

Sweet Baby Girl

I wonder if she knows how sometimes her Mommy just needs a break from the IEP process, all the appointments, and the constant teaching? She always seems to smile, coo, and cuddle me just when I need it. Leading the life of the 2nd child, Lily is always in her carseat, going from appointment, to school, to class...all for her big brother. Her schedule is non-existent, yet she's still my happy girl.

Just wanted to share some pictures of my other pride and joy. While most of my life is consumed with Christian's therapy and teaching him to listen and speak, this little baby girl brings our whole family so much joy, exactly when we need it the most.

Mother's Day Blessings

I woke up this morning to the smell of pancakes and bacon. I looked at the clock, and it was late for me (7am!). I turned over, flipped on the video monitor to check on the kids. Flipping between both channels, their cribs were empty, so they must've been with their Dad.

I walked in the kitchen, and heard the sweetest words ever:

"Happy Mother's Day Mommy"

What a great Mother's Day gift.

Hearing those words come out of Christian's mouth, with his great big smile and beautiful brown eyes just about made me melt. Just another little moment during a special day that makes me realize what a miracle his Cochlear Implant is.

On this Mother's Day, I am thankful for my beautiful children, my strong husband, and my own Mother. I'm thankful for the joy they all bring to me. I am especially thankful for my girlfriends who are also Mommies. Their perspective, whether they are also SAHMs or working Mommas, keep me grounded. Their friendship means the world to me, and our time spent together is so important to me. Without the standing playdates, park-dates, and happy hours we have together, I know that being a Mom wouldn't be nearly as much fun.

On this Mother's Day, I am also thankful for the community of Moms that I have met through this blog and the various Cochlear Implant sites. Knowing that I am not alone in this "different" journey gives me peace. These amazing Mommas give me strength, and their stories give me hope.

On this Mother's Day, I am so blessed.